I was looking through my basement storage room when I stumbled upon a mysterious beige journal. Curious, I opened it and saw “Kristen and Glenn’s Pregnancy Journal started July 3, 2005” written on the inside cover.
As I flipped through the pages, I realized the journal primarily belonged to my mom; my father only had two entries. It seemed that my mom wanted me to read this one day because many of the pages started with “Dear Darling Baby”. I immediately ran to my mom and asked her about the journal and she said we could find time to read it together. I had no idea how much the journal would move me.
The first entry summarizes the first few weeks after my parents found out they were having a baby. My mom and dad found out on July 3rd, 2005, and told my grandparents that night. My entire family was ecstatic; I would be the first grandchild. On the 3rd page, my mother writes: “I think we are sold on now Julia Joy. Jules for short. Julia we just think is a beautiful name–and we like the Beatles song–and Joy after Glenn’s Mother. Julia Joy Holt–JJ if you want one day too”.
This part really moved me and I began to cry. Reading about my mother’s plan for my name, especially her thinking out a nickname for me, overwhelmed me. It was so strange to see her imagine what names I might go by, and realize that her vision became real. I felt overcome by how amazing it is that once I was just an idea discussed at the dinner table and now I was reading about how my mom felt during that time. My name is Julia Joy and my family does call me JJ.
As we continued to read it together I found myself tearing up again and again. It was so amazing to see my mother’s perspective throughout the experience and to read my mother’s thoughts as she realized she would become a mother. It was crazy how she knew me before I even existed. However, my mother’s journal abruptly shifts from entries about excitement to countless questions for the doctor. The journal demonstrates the effects her placenta previa diagnosis had on her. Her last entry during her pregnancy was on October 18th, 2005, 5 months before my birth.
It was sad to see my mother’s diary turn from excitement to terror. There was a short comment my mom wrote on one of the pages saying ”I was so scared we would lose you – I guess I just didn’t want to write anymore. I am sorry Julia. It was a rough pregnancy but So worth it”.
My mother was so scared of losing me that she could not bring herself to write to me. She could no longer clearly picture a future where I would read the entries. Seeing the impact my mom’s diagnosis had on her writing helped me to understand the dread my mother was feeling. Though I have heard stories about her rough pregnancy, it was not until I read her diary that I could understand just how much her complications consumed her. She believed I would not make it. This contrast from the beginning of the journal is striking, and demonstrates how much fear and worry consumed her
Despite all of her fears, the surgery went well and I was born a healthy baby. Reading about the many complications my mother endured gave me an even greater appreciation for what she went through.
My mother continued the journal for a couple of years after her pregnancy. Even though the entries were few in number they moved me greatly. She talked about my baptism, birthday parties, and little moments she wanted to remember. It was so fun to read about these memories with my mom, but some entries were hard to think about. The entries that especially impacted me were the ones where my mom talked about the time going quickly. On August 28th, 2007, she wrote “You are now almost 18 months old. I have a feeling I will blink and it will be 18 years”.
Reading this line as an 18-year-old felt surreal. Realizing that my mom was right and the time did pass in the blink of an eye. It made us both sad to see that the time my mom had feared was here. This was a sad reality to acknowledge, but noticing this encourages me to be more intentional about how I spend my time.
It was so special to read about my mom’s perspective when she was raising me. The diary allowed me to understand the worries and fears she had during her first pregnancy and the years following it. A diary is a powerful way to share testimonies because it contains the author’s thoughts and feelings at a specific point in time. Instead of telling a story by recounting a memory, a diary is a time capsule of thoughts, feelings, and anything else the author wanted to write down at the time. It is moving for the author to see how they have changed as a person over time and impactful for the reader to hear a story told directly by the past. Though writing in a diary may not feel monumental in the moment, later on, your story could move others in unexpected ways.